Dark Lords TV
by Master Darth Warious - Lady of Chaos
Summary: Welcome to the new show Dark Lord where Dark Lords from various backgrounds H.P. LotR and SW have their very own show! NEW! Chapter 15!
1. FASHION REVIEW

Warning and disclaimer: This is a fiction that involves several well-known and semi-well-known Dark lords and may be hazardous to your health. I do not own the following participants...everyone but me (Darth Warious)  
  
Dark Lords  
  
"Welcome to today's episode of Dark Lords! I'm your host, Darth Warious and hope that you have enough insurance to cover 'Dark Lord' damages. Today on Dark Lords, we will be scouting out new fashions for our Dark Lords. That being said, let me introduce our guest fashion expert. He is commonly known for running from Batman and resides in Gotham city when he is not coming up with devious ways to make you die smiling. Ladies and gentlemen give it up for The Joker!"  
  
Joker walks on stage with a big grin and waves to the audience. From the audience someone screams, "Knock 'em dead pudding!"  
  
Joker rolls his eyes at Harley Quin and sits down next to Darth Warious. "Welcome to Dark Lords, Mr. J."  
  
"Thank you Warious, had a bit of a go with Batman before coming here. Where's our needy troop of fashion deprived Dark Lords?"  
  
"I was getting to that Mr. J.  
  
Everyone please welcome our Dark Lords." Warious picks up a paper with the names and calls them out and each appears as their name is called. "Darth Sidious, Dark Lord of the Sith! Darth Vader, also Dark Lord of the Sith! Darth Maul, another Dark Lord of the Sith! Sauron, Dark Lord of Middle Earth! Saruman, Dark Lord-in-training of Middle Earth! And last but not least, Tom Riddle! Also known as You-Know-Who and Voldemort, Dark Lord of the..." Warious tries not to gag on the next part, "Wizarding world."  
  
The audience applauds loudly for fear of being killed if they don't.  
  
Joker surveys the group of Dark Lords and their apparent lack of taste. "Tsk, tsk. You call your selves Dark Lords? I dress better then you all and I'm only a crime lord. Well Warious, shall we clean them up one by one or all at once?"  
  
"One by one so we don't get them to gang up on us."  
  
The audience laughs nervously as the Dark Lords glare at them.  
  
"We'll start with...you." Joker points to Saruman.  
  
The imperial march plays and Warious says, "Well time for commercial break! More on Dark Lords when we return!"  
  
"Ooooookay, and we're back to Dark Lords-Fashion review! So, Mr. J, tell us what you have done for Saruman here."  
  
"Well Warious, this was a hard-to-do one but we finally found a solution to those boring white robes. Say 'Hello' to TYE-DYE Saruman!"  
  
Saruman walks out with a big grin and waves to the audience as he turns around to show off his new Tye-dyed robes. "From now on, I shall be known as Saruman of many colors! Thank you Joker for making my dream come true!"  
  
Audience applauds loudly for Saruman of many colors as he takes a seat next to Warious.  
  
"Now, while we were on commercial break, joker also re-designed Darth Sidious and Darth Maul's wardrobe. Tell us about them Mr. J."  
  
"Let's start with Darth Sidious. Darth Sidious is a Sith Lord who depends on dark colors for intimidation. Black may have been the fashion of his time but Blood Red is the new Black in the fashion world. Robes also have gone out of style unless you can wear Tye-dye. Now Darth Sidious is wearing Blood Red leather pants and jacket with a black cotton T-shirt underneath. Put your hands together for Darth Sidious!"  
  
Audience 'Ooooooooo's' in admiration of Sidious' new look. Darth Sidious blushes and sits down next to Saruman.  
  
"So is Blood red is the new Black, what did you do with Darth Maul?"  
  
"Ah yes. Maul was a little to red so I decided to make him a lighter shade then his master. I found this wonderful pink shirt and Neon green pants for him and now he looks fabulous! Lets all cheer for Darth Maul!"  
  
Audience tries to cheer when Maul comes out but turns to laughter when they read 'Princess' in silver lettering on the front of Maul's Shirt. Darth Maul glared at the audience and then at Joker before sitting down next to his master.  
  
"Well now its time for a commercial break. When we come back, Sauron, Vader and Tom Riddle get their wardrobe revised!"  
  
"Hello kiddies and welcome back to Dark Lords! Joker has just finished refitting out last three Dark Lords and is now ready to tell us about them!"  
  
"We will start with Sauron. He used to wear that big black metal armor, but now we have taken off most of the metal and have given him a new biker outfit with flaming eyes on it. Give it up for Sauron!"  
  
As Sauron walks out there is a collective gasp from the audience. It's Michael Jackson! Some one in the audience screams in horror.  
  
Sauron/Jackson grins, "I told you I'd be back!"  
  
"Sauron has been hiding under the alias of Michael Jackson for much of the recent age. Now we know the rest of the story. Who are you presenting next Mr. J?"  
  
"Well, both of these were not entirely happy with their new style so I think we'll start with Tom Riddle, whom many of you know as Voldemort. As I said before, Robes are out unless they are Tye-dye and because of his reptilian appearance it was doubly hard to figure out what to do. In the end I found the perfect solution, Come on out Riddle!"  
  
Voldemort walks out with a scowl and a hot pink tutu on. The audience is trying very hard not to laugh as he might go psycho on them if they did. Voldemort glared at the audience and then at Joker before sitting down.  
  
"And last but not least, Darth Vader. Tell us about him Mr. J!"  
  
"Old D. V. was not an easy job either but I noticed that he has a great mechanical body and mask and I found the best thing for him to wear! Come out Darth Vader, don't be shy."  
  
Darth Vader stalks out in a striped Neon orange and Green dress. "inhaleThis exhale inhale is not exhale inhale funny!"  
  
The audience is roaring with laughter and close to tears.  
  
Sidious says to him trying hard to keep from laughing himself says to Vader, "Well you look just stunning in that dress." Then failed his composure and laughed maniacly.  
  
"Well snicker that's all for today on Dark Lords! Join us next time for another exciting episode when we find out when Dark Lords have kids! Buh- bye!"  
  
All the Sith Dark Lords using the darkside: You will not review! If you do she'll subject us to more of this!  
  
Darth Warious: Please review and give me more ideas! 


	2. Matchmaker

Disclaimer: I do not own any of the following characters...everyone but me.  
  
Dark Lords Episode 2- Matchmaker  
  
"Hello and welcome back to Dark Lords! I'm your host Darth Warious. Today we are setting up our Dark Lords with potential girlfriends from various places and galaxies. Please welcome our matchmaking guest, Perigrin the Silver!"  
  
Lillian walks out closely followed by Boromir who is her current boyfriend. The crowd cheers as she comes on stage and sits in a chair next to Warious.  
  
"Hello Warious! Thanks for having me on your show!"  
  
"You're welcome kiddo. Anyway you're here to find suitable girlfriends for our Dark Lords. Ladies and Gentlemen please welcome back our Dark Lords!"  
  
Darth's Vader, Sidious and Maul walk out followed by Sauron/Jackson and Saruman who is followed by Tom Riddle Voldemort.  
  
Perigrin surveys the six people and looks at Boromir. Boromir, at the sight of Sauron and Saruman looked like he was going to pee in his pants.  
  
Warious whispers to Lillian as the Dark Lords sit down, "I thought I told you not to bring him here!"  
  
"I couldn't make him stay home, sorry."  
  
"Well Perigrin, who are you going to start with first?"  
  
"I think we'll start with Saruman the hippie. He's aged a bit and we might have trouble finding someone his age. Let's see. Saruman, how old are you?"  
  
Saruman squirms uncomfortably in his chair and says, "325."  
  
The audience gasps and someone calls out, "You look like your 70, not three hundred and twenty-five!"  
  
Saruman blushes and mumbles a "thank you".  
  
"Well, Um, lets see, Saruman. What are you looking for in a woman?" Perigrin asks.  
  
"I want someone who will look up to me and call me master all the time. I'm not big on looks so....yeah."  
  
"Well you're in luck! Lillian exclaims, "let me introduce you to Grima Wormtongue's sister, Gina Wormess!"  
  
A picture on the holoscreen shows a woman who looks like a female Wormtongue. Saruman looks up and gasps in surprise then starts crying, "It's my old girlfriend! I thought she was going out with someone else!"  
  
A few seconds later Gina runs out on stage and tackles Saruman in a big hug crying, "master."  
  
The two leave the set to go do other things.  
  
"Well, it's time for commercial break, we'll be back right after this!"  
  
"And we're back! Welcome to Dark Lords. If you're just joining us, we're setting up our dark lords with eligible women. Our guest match maker today is Perigrin the Silver. So Perigrin, who are you going to match next?"  
  
"I think I'll do Palpatine next, ick. That way he might leave like Saruman. Hey Mr. P! How old are you and what do you want in a woman?"  
  
"I'm not telling you how old I am! As for Women, hmmm, I want someone who can deal with power and won't try to murder me in my sleep." Darth Sidious replies glaring at Perigrin.  
  
Boromir whispered something into Perigrin's ear. She looks up and says, "Yes. That might work. I believe that you may get along fine with, Ysanne Isard." A picture of Isard shows up on the holoscreen.  
  
Palpatine recoils in horror and says "Not her! Anyone but her!" but it's too late. Isard runs out and throws herself on Darth Sidious and says, "I've always wanted you Palpy!"  
  
Sidious unlatches Isard's grip saying, "I know, that's why I getting out of here!" Sidious runs away with Isard in mad pursuit.  
  
The remaining Dark Lords are looking nervous.  
  
"Okay, next is Darth Maul. Maul, How old are you and what do you want in a woman?"  
  
"I'm 26 and I want a woman of the darkside who isn't afraid of me."  
  
The audience goes, "awwwwww'. Maul blushes and looks at Perigrin.  
  
"I think that the night sister from Dathomir would suit you. Her mane is Lana Tonakel."  
  
The picture shows up on the holoscreen. But Maul's attention is elsewhere as a stunning Nightsister appears from back stage and walks gracefully to Darth Maul. Maul is enraptured at Lana's appearance. Both disappear back stage as Perigrin continues.  
  
"Next is Sauron, also known as Michael Jackson. How old are you and what are you looking for in a woman?"  
  
"I'm older than dirt," Sauron says half jokingly and half serious. "I want Martha Stewart."  
  
The audience collectively shudders at this as _she_ walks out on stage, takes Sauron's hand and walks off.  
  
"Wow...that was...interesting," says Warious. "It's time for commercial. Don't go away we'll be right back after this.  
  
"Welcome back to Dark Lords, Lets get right to business. Perigrin?"  
  
"I think we should do Darth Vader next. Vady, how old are you and what do you want in a woman?"  
  
"I'm not VADY stop calling me that! My name is Anakin Skywalker!" He rips off his mask to reveal a young man, who could only be Anakin S. "I'm twenty years old and I love Éowyn Skywalker!"  
  
Éowyn runs out on stage from the audience and hugs Ani. They leave the stage holding hands and talking. (A/N: Sorry Éowyn, couldn't resist.)  
  
"That went rather well. Don't you agree Perigrin?" Warious asks.  
  
"Couldn't have gone better," she replies grinning, "now for Tom Riddle. Tom how old are you and what do you look for in a woman?"  
  
"Old enough...and I do not look for women. They find me."  
  
"Wait, Tom? The Tom Riddle?" Perigirn asks, looking at the last Dark Lord for the first time. "Oh my gosh TOM!"  
  
"Lillian?"  
  
Perigrin squeals and jumps out of her chair and runs to him. The two hug in nauseating fashion and leave the stage talking to each other leaving a confused Boromir behind.  
  
Warious rolls her eyes and says, "Well that's all for today on Dark Lords! Next time we might actually have kids for the Dark Lords to deal with! See you next time!"  
  
Warious: Please review and give me more ideas. 


	3. Children

Dark Lords Episode 3 – Kids in their life.  
  
"Hello and welcome to another exciting episode of Dark Lords! I'm your host, Darth Warious. Today on Dark Lords we will be seeing how children have affected our Dark Lords' lives. Everyone please welcome back our Dark Lords!"  
  
Audience cheers wildly as the six Dark Lords walk out and sit on either side of Warious.  
  
"Are you all ready to start talking candidly about the kids in your life?"  
  
There is an unsure but collective nod from the Dark Lords.  
  
"Good!" Warious says grinning. "We'll start with the galaxy's most well known dad in Dark Lord History, Darth Vader. Vady..."  
  
"DON"T CALL ME VADY!"  
  
The audience laughs as Warious continues, "Tell us about your kids, Luke and Leia."  
  
"Ah, yes. Luke is my 20 year old son and he cut off my hand in a duel. He was trained by Obi-Wan, my old master and has a twin sister, Leia. Leia is my beautiful daughter and a very good politician."  
  
"And how do you feel about your children?"  
  
"My son is the whineiest brat in the galaxy and I should have had him drowned at birth. Leia is my pride and joy, she has more cunning and brains than my son ever did."  
  
There is sobbing heard from the audience and every one looks to see and hear Luke say, "My own Father! How could you? sniff sob I'm telling Obi- Wan on you!"  
  
Luke runs out of the building in tears.  
  
"Well," Warious says, "that was interesting. Okay, next is Maul. Maul, has there ever been a child in your life?"  
  
"Does having to hunt down Queen Amidala count? How about Nemodians?"  
  
"I suppose you could call Nemodians childish and Amidala was only 14 so yes tell us about them Maul."  
  
"I would like to say first and foremost that I hate Nemodians! They whine more than Vader's son."  
  
The audience members chuckle as Vader turns to Maul and says, "You really haven't met my son then."  
  
Maul continues, "The Nemodians have nothing for brains and act like two- year-olds! AS for Amidala, she was a pretty girl, from what I saw. But that's all I know of child encounters."  
  
"Okay, thank you Darth's Maul and Vader for sharing. We'll be right back after this."  
  
"And we're back! Welcome to Dark Lords! In case you are just joining us we are talking about the children who have affected the lives of our Dark Lords. Now we will have Sidious speak about his experiences with children. Sidious?"  
  
"Well Warious, I have had two children, you and Maul. But I think I'll start with Maul.  
  
Maul was my very first apprentice." Sidious' eyes glaze over with a parental pride. "I was so excited when I found him. Here was a wonderful child just waiting for the right training in the Dark Side. Maul grew up under my careful guidance and instruction and was better than any other Sith apprentices in our history. He was obedient and never failed me. Until he got killed by that Jedi scum, Obi-Wan. He was my best apprentice ever."  
  
Maul's eyes are filled with tears and said, "Master" affectionately and then hugged Sidious. The crowd, finding this endearing says, "Awwwwww."  
  
When the two recovered Sidious continued, "My other child apprentice, that's you Warious, were also special to me. I remember as your father came to me and asked that you be given a place to be raised strong. I felt the force that was strong in you and took you in as my next apprentice. Like Maul, you have never failed me."  
  
Warious blushes and says, "Thanks master." Warious clears her throat and then says, "Okay how about, Saruman next?"  
  
"I have children." Saruman states proudly. "My fighting Uruk-Hai are my babies. I first created them for Sauron's army but soon I felt they were my own children. My pride and joy was Lurtz. My first and most perfect Uruk- Hai."  
  
"What happened to him?" Darth Sidious asked.  
  
"Aragorn killed him! I hate Aragorn for killing my starts sobbing my son!" Saruman breaks down and cries.  
  
Warious, also close to tears says, "We'll be back with more Dark Lords after this."  
  
"Welcome back! Now that we've all recovered from what little sentiment we possess we'll move on to Sauron. Sauron, have you had kids in your life?"  
  
"Yes I have. You may have seen me with them on the news?"  
  
"Like the balcony thing?" Tom Riddle asks.  
  
Sauron looks slightly embarrassed, "Um, yeah. Any way, my other children are the orcs and werewolves. You can read the account of me and my children in the Elvish work called the Silmarillion. The orcs however are my first children."  
  
"Awwww." (audience)  
  
"Okay. Tom Riddle, have you had any kids in your life?"  
  
"Yes. Harry Potter."  
  
Warious and the other Sith lords hiss. Warious says, "Do not speak that vile name here! We Sith hate wizards. You and Saruman are here only because you have been called Dark Lords."  
  
"Whatever. Anyway that is the only 'child problem' in my life. If any one is interested you can help think of ways to destroy him with me."  
  
"Ooooooooooookay. Thank you Voldemort for sharing with us. Join us next time for more Dark Lords!  
  
Tune in next time when Dark Lords share memories of their parents. Thank you again and buh-bye!"  
  
Warious: Review me please. 


	4. Parents

Dark Lords Episode 4 – Memories of Parents

Scene opens on Saruman break dancing in his Tye-Dye robes as the crowd chants, "Saruman! Saruman!" in hip hop rhythm.  
  
Warious noticing the camera being on said above the chanting, "Welcome to another exciting episode of Dark Lords! I'm your host Darth Warious. Right now as you can see Saruman is break dancing for our audience. But today's subject is parents, or surrogate parents, which ever the case may be. Hey Saruman, time to settle down and get to business."  
  
Reluctantly Saruman came back to his seat next to Darth Sidious and pouted.  
  
Warious rolled her eyes and continued. "As I was saying, we are going to talk about what we remember of out 'parents' if any. I have tissues if you need them Vady."  
  
"Don't call me 'Vady'."  
  
"I think we'll start with Darth Sidious. Sidious, what do you remember about your parents?"  
  
Darth Sidious sat back on the couch and thought for a moment. "I don't remember my parents, I remember my master though. I remember that he made me work without the force whenever I didn't do what he wanted. He was a good teacher, but I wouldn't consider him my 'parent'."  
  
"Hey man," Saruman says patting Sidious on the back, "I know how you feel. I didn't have any parents. I was just there. The Valar made me and sent me to Middle-Earth looking like this."  
  
"You haven't aged in 325 years?!" Tom Riddle asked surprised. "How do you do it?"  
  
"I was made this way, that's how. And for any of you people out there who think I have the secret to immortality, I don't."  
  
Tom looked depressed at this information.  
  
"Anyway, the only person I could have called a parent would be Treebeard. Treebeard taught me many things about the forest and let me walk through his woods to enjoy the peace there. But then I became the Head of the White council and couldn't make it there anymore. And then I became Saruman of Many Colors, and you know the rest of the story from there."  
  
There was a collective nod from around the Dark Lords and the audience.  
  
"Well, it's time for a break we'll be back right after this."

The scene opens on Saruman, who had gone back to break dancing, and Darth Vader who is doing some insane rap.  
  
"I am the one This is the one Rap it on up Rap it on down  
  
Time to party Time to dance Rap'n all around See Saruman dance"  
  
The audience in the back ground is going "whoo". Warious notices the cameras...  
  
"And we're BACK PEOPLE!"  
  
Vader and Saruman hurry back to their seats. Warious glares at them and continues, "Welcome back to Dark Lords. If you are just joining us, Saruman is not the subject of our show. We are talking about memories of our parents. And now...Yes Tom?"  
  
"I want to say something about my parents."  
  
"Okay, go ahead."  
  
Voldemort took a deep breath then yelled, "I HATE MY MUGGLE FATHER! He left me alone with my weak mother and I hate them both! Not only that I am named after him, Tom Riddle! That is why I am to now be called Lord Voldemort!"  
  
Stunned silence fills the crowd. This is the first time and of the Dark Lords has ever raised their voice.  
  
Warious clears her voice and says, "So you would prefer us to call you Voldemort?"  
  
Tom Riddle/Voldemort nodes his head and stares at the ground.  
  
"Okay then. We won't call you by your father's name anymore. You should have told us earlier though."  
  
Voldemort nods his head still looking at the floor.  
  
"Right then, next is Sauron."  
  
"My father is Melkor who is also known as Morgoth to the elves. I did what ever my Dad told me to do. But then the other Valar threw him into the abyss one day and left me in charge till he can return." Sauron/Jackson said.  
  
"Does everyone here have something good to say about their parents?" Voldemort sneered.  
  
"Hey!" protested Darth Sidious, "I didn't have a parent! So give it up already snake boy!"  
  
Voldemort snarled and started to lunge at Sidious but Maul, Vader and Warious used the force to keep the wizard from their master.  
  
"Control yourselves!" Warious commanded. "We will return to Dark Lords right after this."

"Welcome back to Dark Lords! I'm your host Darth Warious and as you can see I've managed to keep Saruman from going up and break dancing again! Let's get to business. Maul, tell us about your parents."  
  
"Well, like Sidious, I never had parents. But I had a wonderful master who raised me and cared for me as I grew up under his care. Through Master Sidious, I've become a powerful Sith Lord and I want to thank him for taking time to raise me. Master Sidious, thank you."  
  
"Awwwwww," the crowd says at the sentiment.  
  
"And last but not least, Darth Vader."  
  
"I remember my mommy, for the most part. Her name was Shimi Skywalker. She was always working hard to provide for us when I was little, before I went to become a Jedi. I didn't see her again for a whole ten years after that. When I did see her again...I had been having these dreams where she was hurt maybe even dying. Then I finally got to Tatooine and tracked her down to the Lars ranch. They told me she had been taken by Tuskin Raiders, the sand people. They're monsters! And I slaughtered them all like they were animals. I hate them!" At this point, Darth Vader could no longer speak and was crying.  
  
Some members of the audience were crying silently too.  
  
"It's okay Vader. It's alright. Well folks, our time up and we hope you have a good evening. Buh-bye!"

Warious: Please review and give me ideas! 


	5. Their worst fears

Dark Lords Episode 5 – Their worst fears.  
  
"Welcome to another goriest episode of Dark Lords! I'm your host Darth Warious! Today we will discuss our Dark Lords greatest fears!"  
  
There is an audible groan from the six Dark Lords and snickers from the audience.  
  
Warious glares at her victi, er I mean Co-hosts, and continues. "Do we have a volunteer to go first?"  
  
The Dark Lords all look at the ground unspeaking.  
  
Warious rolls her eyes and mutters something about 'babies' under her breath. "Then lets start with the Lord of Fear, Darth Maul."  
  
Darth Maul glares at his Sith sister and speaks, "As you have said, I am the Lord of Fear. I am not afraid of anything."  
  
Warious smiles sweetly at her Sith brother and replies, "Don't make me tell them."  
  
Maul glares at Warious. "I fear being put in romance fan fiction involving me...especially the really mushy ones."  
  
Warious nods. "That's much better. Now who wants to go next?"  
  
Sidious speaks up, "Well my only fear is Ysanne Isard." Sidious shudders and continues. "She is still stalking me from the second episode."  
  
"Why are you afraid of her?" Saruman asks.  
  
"She thinks she can get me to 'settle down and raise some kids' with her. Then there are other more high rated things that I can't tell you about on this show."  
  
Warious makes gagged face and then announces a commercial break.  
  
"It's now time for a commercial break. We'll be right back!"  
  
See I told you she would.  
  
And now we're back!  
  
"And we're back! If you are just joining us we are discussing out Dark Lords greatest fears. And the next Dark Lord to speak will be...Lord Voldemort!"  
  
Voldemort glares at Warious and says, "I fear I have nothing to say."  
  
The audience laughs while Warious rolls her eyes and glares right back at Voldemort, waiting for a decent answer.  
  
"Fine. I'm afraid of silly fangirls that think they love me."  
  
"Ewwwww! Who would like you?" Éowyn Skywalker and Darth Warious say at the same time.  
  
"Hey you asked the question I'm just telling you my answer."  
  
"Yeah? Well you didn't need to be so gross about it!"  
  
"What was gross about my answer?"  
  
"Ewww. Just never mind. Alright Sauron, what or who are you afraid of?"  
  
"I am afraid of Narsil and anyone from the line of Isildur."  
  
"And what else?"  
  
"You."  
  
Growl. Leave my girlfriend alone you pervert!  
  
"Haldir? What are you doing here?!?"  
  
Um.  
  
"Never mind! Just keep quiet!"  
  
Yes sweet lips.  
  
"Eurg."  
  
All the Dark Lords, "Sweet Lips?"  
  
Warious turns slightly red and raises her voice. "You were saying Sauron?"  
  
"Not until you explain!" the Dark Lords say.  
  
"There is nothing to explain! He's just being his usual weird Elf self. Yuck!"  
  
"Fine. I also fear looking ugly."  
  
Maul mutters to Voldemort, "Too late for that."  
  
Warious sensing that there might be a small fight says, "We'll be right back after this!"  
  
Haldir: We need commercial writers for the show Dark Lords. If you would like to place an add or commercial please send an email with your pen name and your add/commercial. Thank you.  
  
"And we're back! Vader has offered to tell us his worst fear."  
  
"I am afraid that my son will stalk me and whine me to death. I'm also afraid that Éowyn Skywalker will leave me now that I am more machine then man."  
  
The audience says, "Awwwwww."  
  
Unfortunately Éowyn didn't hear Vader's confession because there were some orcs that needed extermination.  
  
"And last but not least Saruman."  
  
"I am afraid to live in a world without color."  
  
Everyone stares at Saruman in disbelief and confused expressions.  
  
"I am Saruman of many colors! I need COLORS!!!!"  
  
"Okay Saruman, calm down. There will always be color in the world if you keep wearing those tye-dye robes."  
  
This seems to appease Saruman.  
  
"That's all for today on Dark Lords! Join us next time for Dark Lords- Who wants to be a Dark Lord?"  
  
Haldir: please review. 


	6. My Favorite Minion

Dark Lords Episode 6- My Favorite Minion

......................  
  
"Welcome to another exciting episode of Dark Lords! I'm your host Darth Warious.  
Today on Dark Lords, we will get to know our Dark Lords favorite minions or lackeys; whichever you wish to call them. We'll start with Lord Vader.  
Darth Vader, who is your favorite minion?"  
  
"Well Warious, it's very hard to tell which one was my favorite because I have had to keep killing all of them. Can I have a favorite person to hire for my dirty work instead?"  
  
"Sure Vady!"  
  
"Don't call me that! Well I have always had one person I could always count on to 'get the job done'. I want to introduce you all to Boba Fett!"  
  
Boba Fett walks out on stage in his usual Mandalorian armor and weapon ensemble.  
  
Warious jumps out of her chair and goes to hug the galaxy's most feared bounty hunter. "Hi dad!" Warious greets Fett.  
  
Darth Vader continues ignoring Warious actions, "Boba Fett has never failed any of the tasks I have put before him. That is why I call him my favorite person to hire."  
  
Boba Fett has finally unlatched his daughter's grip and sits down in an empty chair.  
  
Warious returns to her seat and continues. "Thank you Vader. Now how about Saruman? Saruman, who was or is your favorite minion?"  
  
Saruman thinks a moment then speaks. "My fighting Uruk-hai are my favorite minions. But I have not brought any out of courtesy for the audience. The Uruk-hai would be any Dark Lords pride and joy. They are strong, fast, fight well and don't tire easily. They are more dependable then orcs who will only work if you threaten them and even then they complain. Yes, The Uruk-hai are my favorite 'minions'."  
  
"Thank you for sharing Saruman. We'll be back right after this."

........

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........  
"And we're back! Welcome to another exciting episode of Dark Lords! If you're just joining us we are asking our Dark Lords about their favorite minion or minions. Now Darth Maul will tell us about his favorite minion."  
  
"I've never had a minion in my life. I've always been one."  
  
"Well then, how about telling us about your life as a minion?"  
  
"No."  
  
"Please Maul?" Warious makes puppy eyes at Maul. "Pretty Please?"  
  
"NO!"  
  
"Pretty please with a cherry on top?"  
  
"NO! What don't you get about the word 'NO'?!"  
  
Warious sticks her tongue out at Darth Maul. "Fine, be that way. Darth Sidious, tell us about your favorite minion or minions."  
  
"My favorite minion is Count Dooku. Count Dooku was able to deceive and distract the Jedi fools from what was really going on right in front of them. My other favorite minions would be the clone troops. They fight well and don't complain."  
  
"Thank you Darth Sidious. It's time for a commercial break we'll be right back."

........

Are you a Force-sensitive in need of training? Do you have anger that you feel the need to release? Are you... evil? If you answer yes to any of the above questions, then join the Sith today, and aid us in our quest to kill the Jedi today. Contact us on http:ennaani.proboards3.com today! laughs evily Middle-earth will never know what hit them... 

........

"And we're back! First I would like to thank Éowyn Skywalker for placing commercials for our show. Thank you! Now back to business. Sauron, who or what are your favorite minions?"  
  
"My favorite minions are my lawyer and my agent."  
  
Warious glares at Sauron while the audience laughs. "How about your Middle- earth minions?"  
  
"Oh yes, them. I would have liked to introduce him to everyone but unfortunately he has been slain by Éowyn of Rohan. Yes, my favorite minion was the Witch King of Angmar. He was the leader of The Nine Riders, also called Nazgûl. The Witch King was the most powerful of my minions. Too bad he isn't my lawyer."  
  
"Oooookay. Thank you Sauron for your, um...input. And last," Then mumbled to the audience, "and most certainly the least, Voldemort..."  
  
"Huh? Wha?"  
  
"Well people, we have caught a Dark Lord unprepared!"  
  
The audience laughs as Voldemort tries to gain composure. "Well Voldemort who is your favorite minion?"  
  
"Is this National television or Global?"  
  
"Voldy baby, this is Global PRIMETIME T.V! Now please, tell us."  
  
"Um," Voldemort looks around at the cameras trying hard to hide his nervousness. But to any Sith Lord or Lady, his unease is easily sensed.  
  
"We're waiting Moldy Voldy." Maul says loudly with a sinister grin on his face. "What are you waiting for? Surely a Dark Lord such as yourself has nothing to fear from upsetting any minion of yours."  
  
Darth Warious and Sidious nod their heads with equally sinister smiles as Voldemort starts to sweat.  
  
"Um...I don't have any minions!" he says quickly. "I have followers."  
  
Translation: If I call them minions, they'll rebel faster then you can say 'You Rebel Scum.'  
  
"Well that's all for today's show! We WILL see you next time on Dark Lords! And remember...Send us those commercials. Buh-bye!" 

............  
  
A/N: We are doing a Dark Lord recondition chapter but you must send us recommendations for those who should be recognized as Dark Lords or close enough. They must not have been recognized as a Dark Lord before. Please E- mail or put your suggestions in your review. Please remember that you must design the commercials yourself and e-mail them to twolfhawk1832656 Yahoo .com (spaces because of FF. Net). And as always, Please review! Now go read Eowyn Skywalker's stories!


	7. Theme Songs

Dark Lords episode 7 - Dark Lords Theme Songs.  
  
Disclaimer: I don't own any songs mentioned here.  
..............

The Imperial March is playing in the background as the camera starts to roll.  
  
"Welcome to another exciting episode of Dark Lords! No, it's not 'Represent Your Political Affiliation Day.' Today we are going to give our Dark Lords Personalized theme songs! The Imperial March is playing as an overall theme for all our Dark Lords."  
  
"Which also represents my Empire," Darth Sidious points out.  
  
"I know Master Sidious. Let's start with you."  
  
"Okay," Sidious replies. "What do you have in mind?"  
  
"First I want you to describe yourself in three words. Based on those three words we'll find a song that fits you."  
  
"Alright, let's see. Cunning, deceiving, and successful."  
  
"Okay now we'll find a song for you."  
  
A bunch of clicks is heard from the audience as they vote for the song used to describe Darth Sidious.  
  
"Ah! Thank you for voting. It has been decided that you theme song will be John William's song 'Darth Sidious.' Track eleven on the first disk of the 'Ultimate Edition' of 'The Phantom Menace.'  
  
Now how about Lord coughnotcough Voldemort? Describe yourself in three words please."  
  
"Intelligent, skilled, and cunning." Voldemort replies as the audience gets to work giving their input.  
  
A few seconds later the result is given to Darth Warious. "Thank you. Voldemort's theme song is...'Everybody's Fool' by Evanescence!"  
  
"How does that song go?" Voldemort asked.  
  
"Like this." Warious replies. "Okay sound-elf! Put it on!"  
  
Haldir rolls his eyes and starts the C.D. player.  
  
"Perfect by nature, icons of self-indulgence  
  
Just what we all need  
  
More lies about a world  
  
That never was and never will be  
  
Have you no shame, don't you see me?  
  
You know you've got everybody fooled.  
  
Look here she comes now -  
  
Bow down and stare in wonder.  
  
Oh, how we love you  
  
No flaws when you're pretending  
  
But now I know she -  
  
Never was and never will be  
  
You don't know how you betrayed me  
  
And somehow you've got everybody fooled.  
  
Without the mask  
  
Where will you hide?  
  
Can't find yourself,  
  
Lost in your lies  
  
I know the truth now  
  
I know who you are  
  
And I don't love you anymore  
  
Never was and never will be  
  
You don't know how you betrayed me  
  
And somehow you've got everybody fooled.  
  
Never was and never will be  
  
You're not real and you can't save me  
  
And somehow now you're everybody's fool."  
  
The music ends and Voldemort speaks. "I don't like this song."  
  
"Too bad," Darth Warious replies. "We'll be right back after this."

.....................

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......................

"And we're back! I'm your host Darth Warious and if you are just joining us today we are giving out Dark Lords theme songs. Darth Vader, describe yourself in three words."  
  
"Parent, pilot, and scary." Darth Vader replies as the audience goes to work.  
  
"Well I have some good news and I have some bad news Vady."  
  
"Don't call me that! What is it?"  
  
"The bad news is that it really isn't a song."  
  
"And the good news is?"  
  
"It's the Pepsi theme." Warious replies.  
  
"AWSOME!!!" Vader jumps up and down at getting his favorite drink for a theme song.  
  
"SIT DOWN!" Darth Sidious roars at Vader.  
  
Meekly Vader sits back down as Warious continues. "How about you Sauron? Three words."  
  
"I have my own theme song thank you."  
  
"We're giving you a new one Michael JackSauron." Warious retorts.  
  
"Fine, be that way. Rich, powerful, and famous." Sauron replies.  
  
A few minutes later...  
  
"Your new theme song is 'Dude Looks Like a Lady'."  
  
"HEY!" Sauron glares at the audience that is laughing at his expense.  
  
"Thank you audience! I couldn't have picked a better song. We'll be right back after this..."

..................

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...................

"We're back! Thank you again to Éowyn Skywalker for sending us commercials. Remember you can advertise anything as long as it is rated G to PG-13. Now back to business. Saruman, describe yourself in three words please."  
  
"I'm colorful, wise and powerful."  
  
The audience votes and soon the results are given to Warious. "Saruman's new theme song is 'Isengard' from 'The Fellowship of the Ring' soundtrack!"  
  
At this Saruman stands up and faces the audience. "You love me! You really sniff really love me!"  
  
"All right! Sit down Saruman. Last is Darth Maul."  
  
"I am fear, anger, and hate."  
  
"Amen brother. Amen." Warious cheers.  
  
The audience votes.  
  
"And your new theme song is, 'Duel of the Fates" by John Williams."  
  
"Ha! I got the best one out of all of you!" Darth Maul gloats.  
  
"That's all for today. We'll see you next time on Dark Lords. Remember; give us your opinion of who should be recognized as a Dark Lord. Goodnight everyone!"

.............

A/N: Please review!


	8. Best Friends

Dark Lords Episode 8 – Best Friends  
  
A/N: I own the 'CHAIR BOLTS of DOOM!' Bwahahaha now to make things corny...  
  
......  
  
"Welcome to another exciting episode of Dark Lords! I'm your host, Darth Warious. Today we are going to interrogate our Dark Lords about their best friends...if they have ever had any."  
  
The Dark Lords look around scared.  
  
"They can't get away," continues Warious, "because I have tied them to their chairs and the chairs are bolted to the floor with the CHAIR BOLTS of DOOM!  
They will talk, don't worry. I have secrets that may get out if they don't."  
  
Warious laughs evilly and decided to start with Michel JackSauron (Sauron if you didn't know.) "Sauron, tell us about your best friend."  
  
"My agent."  
  
Warious glares, "We have been through this before. We are here to talk about your Middle-earth experiences while you were a Dark Lord. Not a loser pop star."  
  
Sauron sighs dramatically before answering. "I will have to say Denethor."  
  
"Why Deneth-bore?"  
  
"Because when I talked to him over the palantir he seemed like such a nice guy. I told Denethor, if he kept Aragorn from the throne of Gondor he could be the new king. Denethor seemed to like this and he was like, 'let's be friends!' and I was like 'Okay!' So that is what happened."  
  
Saruman sighed a breath of relief. "At least he didn't make _me_ his friend."  
  
"Just for that comment," Warious said, "you're next."  
  
Saruman rolled his eyes. "Fine. My best friend was Treebeard. Until the whole 'burn down the forest' thing that is."  
  
"Why did you consider him you friend?"  
  
"Treebeard would talk to me and we would walk though Fangorn forest sharing poetry. He seemed to be the only one with the patience for my poetry."  
  
"What was it about?" Maul snickered. "Genetic alteration."  
  
Saruman 'harrumphed' then replied. "No, I wrote poetry about color. Wanna hear some?"  
  
"No thanks Saruman. You can tell us you poems later, right now its time for a commercial break. We'll be right back after this!"  
  
.........

"Do you need a way to strike fear into the hearts of your enemies? Do you have eye problems? Well, then, look no further, and buy Middle-earthian contact lenses. They look like real flames coming from your eyes, or my name isn't Éowyn Skywalker..." Voice Of Sauron: "OOOOWWWWWWWW..." Éowyn Skywalker: "They're even as HOT as real flames... oops...." Fade out to dark evil theme music.

.........  
  
"Welcome back to Dark Lords! If you're just joining us we are talking about our Dark Lord's best friends. Now we will find out Lord Voldemort's best friend."  
  
Voldemort looks down at the ground.  
  
"Hey Moldy Voldy, we're waiting."  
  
Voldemort mumbled something that wasn't understandable.  
  
"I'm sorry Voldy, nobody could hear you. Not even the elf."  
  
Voldemort lifts his head up and yells, "I DON'T HAVE ANY FRIENDS! EVERYBODY HATES ME! SO LEAVE ME ALONE!" Then he breaks down and cries miserably.  
  
Warious and the other Sith are trying hard not to laugh at him. "Well, that was no surprise. How about you Maul?"  
  
"Lez see. You're my friend, and...and...um...yeah, that's it."  
  
Warious looks at him confused. "Dude, why am I your friend?"  
  
"You just are. If you don't want embarrassment then don't ask me to explain."  
  
"Dude Maul, you are weird."  
  
"Look whose talking." Maul retorted.  
  
"My apprentices WILL behave themselves." Darth Sidious (A.K.A. Emperor Palpatine) spoke.  
  
"Sorry master," The two Sith replied.  
  
"Well its time, once again, for a commercial break. We'll be right back after this."  
  
............

"Are you a minionless Dark Lord? Do you sit and rot away in a tower, while everyone else does your work for you Then we've got the thing for you! Auto generated Force-lightning, guaranteed to zap, electrocute, and shock intruders, and all by the push of a button. See"... zap! Bang! "Oops... sorry Mr. Camera dude"...beep.

............  
  
"And we're back! Thanks again to Éowyn Skywalker for sending in commercials. But please, if you wish to advertise your story (must be G toPG-13) send in an ad via e-mail and it will get posted in the next episode. Next up we have Darth Sidious to tell us about his friend."  
  
"My friend was Count Dooku."  
  
"Why was he your friend?" Warious asked beginning to wish they would just do that without having to be asked.  
  
"Dooku was my friend and 'partner in crime' if you will. He was the only other person in the entire Republic with enough influence to realize how corrupt the senate had become. So he and I hatched a master plan. It started and fueled the Clone Wars ultimately making me, Emperor of the Galaxy."  
  
"That's better. Thank you for explaining Darth Sidious. And last but not least, Darth Vady!"  
  
"WOULD YOU QUIT CALLING ME THAT?!"  
  
"Sure Vady, whatever you say."  
  
"Gerrr. My best friend was Kitster from Tatooine. We used to do everything together, from listening to spacers to watching podraces. He always rooted for me, even if it looked like I wasn't going to win. That's why he was my best friend."  
  
"Awwwwww," went the audience.  
  
"Shut up," went Vader.  
  
"Thank you all for sharing," Warious said. "Join us next time for a special episode of Dark Lords. Don't forget to send in the name of a Dark Lord nominee. Until next time, Buh-bye."  
  
............  
  
A/N: Please review


	9. Who Wants to be a Dark Lord?

Dark Lords Episode 9 – Who Wants to be a Dark Lord?  
  
...........  
  
"Welcome to another episode of Dark Lords everyone! I'm your host Darth Warious. Today is a very special episode. Today we are holding a contest for those nominated for the title of Dark Lord. Our judges today will be our usual Dark Lord cast and the audience. Remember audience you need to use the little boxes to help you vote on each nominee. Our nominee line up is...Agent Smith from the Matrix!"  
  
The matrix fans in the audience applaud loudly for the agent.  
  
"Welcome Agent Smith." Warious says shaking his hand. "Have a seat." While Smith moved off, Darth Warious introduced the next nominee. "Next we have Captain Barbossa from Pirates of the Caribbean!"  
  
Audience boos loudly and one fan girl calls out, "You wanted to kill Will Turner you meanie!"  
  
Warious shakes Barbossa's hand then yells at the fan girl to shut her trap. "Next we have Anubis, the god of Egypt."  
  
Audience applauds politely, yada yada yada.  
  
"Haldir write properly!"  
  
Yes ma'am.  
  
"Our next nominee is Denethor, Steward of the Gondor brats."  
  
Denethor comes out and takes his seat glaring at Warious' comment about brats.  
  
"Now for all you Sith fans out there who have been waiting patiently for this, please welcome Count Dooku also know as Darth Tyranous! And for all you loyal servants of the Empire, Grand Moff Tarkin!"  
  
The two galactic nominees come out and take their seats but Dooku stops in front of Warious and HEY! DON'T KISS HER HAND!  
  
Warious rolls her eyes, "Excuse Haldir people. He is a very possessive elf."  
  
Trinity Sandlover calls out "You're excused!"  
  
"Now on with the show! First up for examination is Anubis of Egypt! Darth Sidious will now ask him about different aspects necessary to being a Dark Lord."  
  
Anubis stood up and approached the judges. Darth Sidious speaks. "What are you known for?"  
  
"I am the god of the dead and embalming. I am responsible for weighing the hearts of men and then deciding their fates."  
  
"Well folks, rate his response on your automated DL(Dark Lord) scales of Doom and then we'll move on to the next question."  
  
The audience takes out their automated DL scales of Doom and clicks away.  
  
"Alright next question!"  
  
"Anubis, what are your goals in life?"  
  
"I want to rule the dead."  
  
The audience rates the response.  
  
"What do you do with your minions that fail you?"  
  
"I would send them to the underworld."  
  
"What is your power?"  
  
"Um...I am a god."  
  
The audience laughs.  
  
"What is your weakness?"  
  
"Osiris, King of the dead."  
  
"What motivates you and your followers?"  
  
"My followers are motivated by the joy of serving me."  
  
"Thank you very much Anubis," Darth Warious speaks. "We'll have your results given at the end of the show. Next up is Captain Barbossa from the Caribbean! Darth Maul will be interviewing him."  
  
As Anubis goes to sit down Barbossa stands up and stands in front of the judges.  
  
"What are you known for?" Darth Maul asks.  
  
"I, matey, am known for being the Captain of the Black Pearl. I am man so evil that hell itself spat me back out again."  
  
"What are your goals in life Barbossa?" Maul  
  
"Well I wants to get rid of the curse and then become the worlds most feared pirate ever."  
  
"What do you do when your minions fail you?"  
  
"First I puts them to doing the lowest work on the ship or I throws them in the brig. But if any one of thems tries mutiny I set them off on a deserted island with one bullet in their pistol."  
  
"What is your power?"  
  
"I'm a cursed pirate who wanders the seven seas to pillage and plunder from all I see. I can't die, and you see what I truly am in the moonlight."  
  
"What is your weakness?"  
  
"If the blood of a Turner and all the Aztec gold we stole is put back in its chest I can die."  
  
"What motivates you and your followers?"  
  
"That one day we will be free of the curse. We can't feel nor taste with this curse upon us."  
  
"Such is the price for immortality." Warious says as Captain Barbossa takes his seat. "It's time for a commercial break we'll be back right after this."  
  
.........  
  
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.........  
  
"Thank you once again Éowyn Skywalker for advertising with us. And remember that you too can send in commercials. We'll even run adds for your fiction as long as it is PG-13 or under all free of charge."  
  
(No personal adds please)  
  
"Next up is Grand Moff Tarkin. You may all remember he was in a New Hope on board the Death Star. Saruman will be interroga...I mean interviewing him."  
  
Grand Moff Tarkin stands up and takes his place in front of the judges.  
  
Saruman begins his interrogation. "What are you known for Tarkin?"  
  
"I'm known for being a Grand Moff of the Empire, ultimate commander of the Death Star and my 'foul stench' as Princess Leia Organa put it.'  
  
"What are your goals in life?"  
  
"My goal is to become the most favored Moff of the Emperor. Possibly even his favorite person."  
  
"Fat chance old man!" Sidious calls out at Tarkin and the audience laughs.  
  
Saruman clears his throat and continues. "What do you do when your minions fail you?"  
  
"I scold them harshly before returning them to their post."  
  
Vader is heard snickering. Saruman glares at him. "What is your power?"  
  
"There is no power greater then that of my Battle Station, the Death Star."  
  
"Do not underestimate the power of the Force!" Éowyn Skywalker calls out.  
  
Tarkin rolls his eyes at all the quoting going on.  
  
"What is your weakness?"  
  
"I have no weakness."  
  
Vader starts coughing and if you listened carefully you could hear 'the force' somewhere in between his hacking.  
  
Saruman is quite annoyed now and asks the last question through clenched teeth, "What motivates you and your followers?"  
  
"Destroying the Rebel scum that stands in the way of our glorious Empire!"  
  
"Thank you Grand Moff Tarkin. Next up is Agent Smith of the Matrix to be interviewed by Moldy Voldy."  
  
"Will you quit calling me that?!" Voldemort yells.  
  
"No" Warious replies as Agent Smith takes his place.  
  
"Agent Smith," Voldemort begins, "what are you known for?"  
  
"I am known for taking over the Matrix, chasing Neo Anderson and his friends, and almost winning the battle between me and Mr. Anderson."  
  
"Oh so your that guy who wears the sunglasses all the time!" Voldemort exclaims.  
  
Agent Smith nods, "I am also wearing them now incase you haven't noticed."  
  
"Right, anyway, what are your goals in life?"  
  
"My goal after taking over the world and Matrix is to beat Neo Anderson by destroying him one way or another."  
  
"I empathize. What do you do when your minions fail you?"  
  
"I have no minions. There are many of me and we do not fail."  
  
"What is your power?"  
  
"I can turn anybody in the Matrix into me by assimilating their data and taking it over. I also have keen fighting skills."  
  
"What is your weakness?"  
  
"The only thing I can see as a possible weakness is Neo Anderson beating me."  
  
"What motivates you and your followers? Or rather what motivates all of you?"  
  
"Taking over the world, the Matrix and Neo Anderson's destruction!"  
  
"Thank you Agent Smith," Warious says as Smith goes to sit down. "Now we have..."  
  
"Hold on a minute!" Voldemort calls out. "I have one person here who deserves 'honorable' mention for this contest!"  
  
"And who is that?" Warious demands.  
  
"J. K. Rowling!"  
  
Rowling comes out on stage and all the audience and Sith in the building 'Boo' and shout "DYE!" and then they begin throwing dye at her. Rowling runs off stage.  
  
Darth's Warious, Maul, Vader and Sidious stand up, "Excuse us ladies and gentlemen, we have a pest problem to be dealt with. We'll be right back after this."  
  
..........  
  
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(Commercial brought to you by 'A Very Happy Person')  
  
..........  
  
"Welcome back to Dark Lords. Thank you (to who ever you really) are for sending us your commercial. Next up we have Count Dooku of the Separatist movement back in the Clone Wars era. Interviewing him will be Michael JackSauron, also known as Sauron."  
  
Dooku takes his place in front of the judges.  
  
"What are you known for?" Sauron asks.  
  
"I'm known for being one of the 'Lost Twenty' in the Jedi Order. I'm known for leading the Separatist movement that started the Clone Wars and ultimately made Darth Sidious the emperor of the Galaxy."  
  
"Nice. What are your goals in life?"  
  
"My goal is to show the galaxy how corrupt the Galactic Senate has become because of the bureaucratic power at work."  
  
"You think your government had problems? The United States is being run by the Judiciary (judges) System and thus is corrupting the people of America. Not to mention the control they are gaining in order to get away with more of their evils!" Darth Warious rages interrupting the interview.  
  
"You should start a separatist movement." Dooku suggests.  
  
"I would except a lot of Americans are 1) to lazy or don't care and 2) refuse to see the truth."  
  
"Can I please continue?" Sauron asks.  
  
"Sorry. Please go on." Warious apologizes  
  
"What do you do when your minions fail you?"  
  
"My minions won't fail me. They wish as much as I do to see the downfall of the corrupted Senate."  
  
"Lucky you. What is your power?"  
  
"I have the force; there is no greater power in the galaxy."  
  
"Amen," the four Sith respond.  
  
"What is your weakness?"  
  
"I cannot beat my master, Yoda."  
  
"Yes, he is quite the pin ball from what I have seen. What motivates you and your minions?"  
  
"As I have said before, the downfall of the corrupted galactic Senate, after that I'm helping Darth Warious plan the downfall of the corrupted courts."  
  
"Thank Dooku! Last but not least we have Denethor, the steward of the Gondor brats. Interviewing him will be Darth Vader, the father of the whiney brat Puke Upchucker."  
  
"You have no idea how whiney Luke is. Denethor, What are you known for?"  
  
"I'm known for being the Steward of Gondor who hates Aragorn, son of Arathorn the true king of Gondor."  
  
"Right...What are your goals in life?"  
  
"To see my son, Boromir, on the throne of Gondor as king."  
  
"What do you do when your minions fail you?"  
  
"When a soldier fails me I tell him he tried. If Faramir fails me I scold him and send him out to die at the hands of the orcs."  
  
"You're a bad dad," Vader comments.  
  
"Yes I am."  
  
"What is your power?"  
  
"My first born, Boromir is my power."  
  
"Your son is your power?"  
  
"Yes."  
  
"Ooookay. What is your weakness?"  
  
"When my line is ended."  
  
"What motivates you and your minions?"  
  
"Boromir."  
  
"Allrighty then. We have the result of our Dark Lord Contest. Each number stands for the average of each questions score."  
  
Anubis' scores are; 17 total  
  
3 1 5 5 2 1  
  
Barbossa's scores; 48  
  
7 8 9 7 9 8  
  
Tarkin's scores; 24  
  
5 2 1 5 3 8  
  
Agent Smith's scores; 48  
  
7 8 9 9 7 8  
  
Count Dooku's scores; 48  
  
9 7 8 8 9 7  
  
Denethor's scores; 6  
  
1 1 1 1 1 1  
  
"Well folks, there is a tie! The three people deserving of the Dark Lord  
title goes to Agent Smith, Count Dooku, and Captain Barbossa with 48  
points. Congratulations you three are now Dark Lords! Go forth and do  
dark things.  
  
Thank you for joining us for this special episode of Dark Lords we'll see  
you next time. Remember everyone, send in your commercials!"

.........

A/N: Please Review


	10. Most embarrassing moments

Dark Lords Episode 10 – Most embarrassing moments

Author's note: I own the Chair bolts of Doom and the Chair Arm Restraints of Doom.

"Hello and welcome to another exciting episode of Dark Lords! I'm your host Darth Warious. Today on Dark Lords we will be forcing our victi...I mean, Dark Lords to tell us of their most embarrassing moments. Currently we are waiting for Saruman to ari..." Warious is cut off by a loud scream of frustration from back stage.

Saruman stalks onto the studio floor. His once white hair and long beard are now and technicolored as his robes. "Whose funny idea was this?" The many colored one demanded glaring at the other Dark Lords.

"Whoa," said Sauron, "Is that a talking rainbow?"

"No you koochoo," Maul said rolling his eyes. "That is Saruman, the nice man who built an army for you."

"He seems to be the victim of a very colorful prank," said a blue skinned humanoid sitting next to Darth Warious.

"Sorry folks, I was interrupted before I could introduce our special guest, Admiral Thrawn. He is a member of the Chiss race and works for my master Darth Sidious, but Thrawn calls him Emperor Palpatine."

"Like any other respectable citizen of the Empire should," Sidious added. "How did someone manage to tie-dye your hair and beard without you knowing until you got here?"

"It's really kind of embarrassing, so I won't tell you," Saruman said sitting down in his chair. Suddenly the Chair Arm Restraints of Doom® closed down on his arms pinning him to the chair which was still bolted to the floor by the Chair Bolts of Doom®. "What's this for!" Saruman protested.

All the other Dark Lords are in similar restraints with the exception of Admiral Thrawn and Darth Warious. "This show is where you are forced to tell people all around the galaxy about your most embarrassing moments Saruman. Since we are all, ahem, dyeing to know what happened you can go first."

"As I said, this is rather embarrassing. Last night I was at the Green Dragon...You know what that is right?"

"It's a pub in the Shire, What on earth were you doing there?" Sauron asked.

"I was ............ And anyway I had about..."

"Hold on," Thrawn said. "You were what? You mumbled that last part."

"I was havingadrinkwithfrodo."

"Slower!"

"I wasssss Haavinggg a Dr..."

"Quit fooling around!" Vader yelled.

"I WAS HAVING A DRINK WITH FRODO! HAPPY NOW!"

"You were WHAT?!?!" Sauron yelled.

"Shaaad up." Warious said to the Dark Lord of Mordor.

"Anyway, I was having a drink with Frodo Baggins and I guess I had one too many. I passed out on the table. I woke up in Isengard this morning and came here for the show.

I forgot to do my 'business' before I left, so I went to the bathroom. But when I looked in the mirror I saw this. I had no time to try and wash it out because I was already late. Now people everywhere are gonna see me like this." Saruman motioned to his newly colored hair and began to sob.

Vader started snickering.

"What's so funny?" Saruman demanded.

"Pippin owes me a Pepsi now."

"And why is that?" Thrawn asked. "and isn't Pepsi bad for you?"

"IS NOT!" Vader yelled defending his beloved drink. "Pippin said Saruman would know about his hair when he got up. I said he make it to the studio before he notices. I win!"

"YOU!" Saruman screamed. "You did THIS to me?! I'm going to kill you!"

"Grudge match later," Warious said interfering. "Vader goes next. What was your most embarrassing moment?"

"One time Obi-Wan caught me kissing Jandalf's padawan, Tiana."

"Where?" Thrawn asked.

"In Master Yoda's closet. We were hiding there to dye him pink when he went to sleep. I couldn't help myself, so I kissed her. Then Obi-Wan opened the door and started yelling at us."

"And dyed me pink anyway you did!" a small cotton candy colored creature in the audience called.

"What are you doing here Yoda?" Sidious asked smirking. "Nice color by the way."

"Humph. Turned pink I am! Here to get a confession I was." Yoda replied.

"Alright it's time for a commercial break. Vader, Help me get the cotton candy ball out of here."

..............

Do you want to know the whole story of how Yoda was turned pink?

Then go to and read Paint Wars.

...............

"And we're back! We have extracted the pink Jedi master from the building. Unfortunately, Master Yoda had a trick up his sleeve and well, see for yourself."

The camera moves over to show Darth Vader covered in Lime green paint.

"And now it's time for Darth Maul to tell us his most embarrassing moment." Thrawn announced.

"I walked in on Warious and Haldir."

"How is that embarrassing?" Thrawn asked.

"I walked in on them arguing about what Warious was going to paint on her face. Then they saw me and I was used for their 'experiments'. When they had finished I had a 'cute' bunny rabbit on the right side of my face, and a nekk battle dog on my left. On my forehead was an elaborate cobra and Elf boy painted garlands of flowers around my horns. That was not only embarrassing but torture! My own apprentice laughed at me!"

"Just to note I did the Battle dog, not the bunny," Warious spoke. The Chair Arm Restraints of Doom on Maul's chair opened, letting Maul go.

"Now Emperor Palpatine, What was your most embarrassing moment?" Thrawn asked.

"The day I promoted you to Grand Admiral."

"Other then that," Thrawn growled.

"Fine. My most embarrassing moment was when I almost walked to my office in the senate with my pj's on. Fortunately a passing protocol droid warned me before I got there."

"How was that embarrassing?" Thrawn demanded.

"You show up to a meeting with senators in you PJ's and see how embarrassing that is."

"Thank you for sharing. It's time for another commercial break."

..................

Have you ever wanted to get into the Jedi Temple unnoticed? Have you ever wanted to sneak in and spy on the Jedi? Well, look no further, and invest in the Pink (or whatever color you might choose) dye, and cause them to Dye... the easist way to sneak on in. For references to the uses of pink dye, read our annels-- found under the title Paint Wars. Ccoming soon to a fanfiction page near you (or so we hope...)

....................

"Hello again people. It's time for our last two Dark Lords most embarrassing moments. Next to share will be Sauron."

"My most embarrassing moment has been forever immortalized in cinema history and Middle-Earth history." Sauron replied.

"And that was?" Thrawn prompted.

"When MY RING was cut from my FINGER and I blew up! I mean, how could my life get more embarrassing? Well it did when all I managed to come back as was a stupid eye! Do you know how many jokes there are about my coming back as an EYE?!?"

"Awwwwww. Poor baby." Warious said. "NOT!"

"You're mean," Thrawn told her.

Warious shrugged. "Okay moldy oldy Voldy, you're next."

"My name is Voldemort not Voldy."

"Whatever, Vold I Snort"

"My most embarrassing moment is when I tried to kill that boy and couldn't!"

"That boy being who?" Thrawn asked.

Voldemort was about to reply when Warious said loudly, "We do not speak that vile kid's name here. His name is not even worthy to be mentioned!"

"Oooookay. Well then, I think that's all for today."

"Hold on a moment," Maul said unfolding a piece of paper. I found this in Warious' room and I think it's time for a little payback. Let's see what she wrote shall we?"

Warious' chair restraints worked against her holding her down so she couldn't stop Darth Maul.

Maul cleared his throat and read,

"A Profession of Love

I love you

You are the one I see in my dreams

You are in my mind and heart

I am madly in love with you

Your kiss keeps me sustained in dark times

Your strong arms around me keep me safe

I feel your heart beating close to mine

And I am content

You are wonderful beyond comparison

Even when I try to run away from you

I keep coming back, unable to stay away

You always take me back

When I lay in bed with you I feel calm

Your hands hold me close at night

Your heart and mind captivate me

Haldir of Lothlórien, I love you."

"Awwwwww" The audience said while the Dark Lords and Thrawn were snickering.

Warious gave them all a 'I'll kill you later look'. "Thank you Admiral Thrawn for hanging out with the Dark Lords today. We'll see you next time folks."

............

A/N: Please read and review!


	11. Their Worst Enemies

A/N: I don't own anything here except what happens and Darth Warious, myself, and the Dark Lords studio.

"Haldir? You don't own yourself. And you most certainly don't own me."

Awwww drat.

o.o.o.o.o.o.o.

Dark Lords Episode 11 – Their Worst Enemies

"Hello and welcome back to Dark Lords. I'm Darth Warious and we're here with our Dark Lords and a nominated Dark lord from episode 9. Ladies and Germs please welcome back AGENT SMITH!"

Agent Smith in his usual attire comes out on stage and bows to the audience before taking his seat.

"Today's topic is worst enemies. This is where our Dark Lords tell us about them and why they are their enemies. We'll start with our guest, Agent Smith. Smith, who is your worst enemy and why?"

"Well as most of you know, my enemy is Neo Anderson. As for why, the real story starts at the end of The Matrix when Neo seemingly destroys me. Neither of us can exist while the other survives so I have to kill him for my survival and ultimately my victory over everything. However this has not happened as we both died in the end. I am here with you now only because Warious found my backup program."

"Thank you for sharing that with us Smith. Next we will have Darth Sidious. Sidious did you every really have an archenemy?"

"Not that I can recall Warious. Though if you count my term as Supreme Chancellor during the Clone Wars one might say Count Dooku was my enemy. The reason is because he was leading the separatist movement while I ran the failing republic. But because I was the one who mastermind the whole plan you can't really say we were enemies, only seen that way. Vader on the other hand was just a nuisance."

"You tried to kill my son. You left me no choice." Vader replied.

"Ah Vader, so nice of you to volunteer yourself."

Vader grumbled something about him and his big mouth before answering. "Back when I was a kid I used to podrace. There was another podracer named Sebulba. He and I were enemies. He always beat me at podracing until the time I raced for Qui-Gon. I'll never forget the look on Sebulba's face when I finally beat him." Vader leaned back in his chair and sighed contentedly with the memory. "Then I met you." He looked at Warious who only smiled sweetly and announced a commercial break.

"And now it's time for a commercial break."

See? What did I tell you?

"Haldir?"

Yes?

"Stop that."

Yes dear.

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o.o.o.o.o.o

"And we're back. Thank you to 'A Very Happy Person' for their commercial. If you're just joining us we are talking about our Dark Lord's worst enemies. Now it's Sauron's turn."

Sauron (who Michael Jackson really is underneath all those surgeries) grinned and replied, "I don't have a worst enemy."

Maul snickered and pressed a button on his comlink.

"Hey!" Warious protested, "No cell phones or comlinks during this show!"

But it's too late. Two Jedi master/padawan teams leap up onstage closely followed by the free peoples of Middle-earth. The female Jedi master, Jandalf the Orange, pointed at Sauron in the guise of Michael Jackson. "That's him! Get him!"

The people of Middle-earth swarm around Jackson/Sauron and carry him off the stage and out of the building.

"Ooooooookaaaaay." Warious said as Tiana, Jandalf's padawan, waved at the camera before following her master, Obi-wan and Anakin out of the building. "That was interesting, so much for having no enemies."

"You only asked if he had one, Darth Warious," Agent Smith spoke up. "It seems to me he wasn't lying. He had many."

The remaining Dark Lords snickered as Warious continued.

"Since Darth Maul caused our last disturbance, he will go next."

"My greatest enemy is and always has been the Jedi. As for the why, everyone knows about the enmity between the Jedi and the Sith."

"No, not everyone here knows the SW plotline my dear brother."

"From the beginning of the Sith's creation we have always been at odds with the Jedi. That is why. If anyone wants to know more, join the Darkside."

"Thank you Maul. It's time for another commercial break don't go away or will choke you with the darkside.

o.o.o.o.o.o

Fiction add:

Have you ever dreamed of seeing me, Lord Voldemort, be an alter ego?

Read all about it on the Harry Potter story board at fanfiction. net to see a crazed writer have me as an alter ego! It's spectaculously stupid, according to the Diagon Alley Times.

o.o.o.o.o.

"Thank you to Blossoming Orange rose for her commercial. Now on to the very subject matter of the commercial, Voldemort. Now Voldy please don't use that kid's name here if that's who you're going to talk about."

"As a matter of fact he isn't who I was going to talk about," Voldemort replied.

"Well then who?"

"His name is Albus Dumbldore. He's an old wizard and stinkin' strong when we fight. He's the main person keeping me from Ha...(Volde sees all the glares coming from the Sith)...that boy."

"Very fascinating. Not. Last but not least Saruman. Who is or was your worst enemy?"

"It's been a long time since I thought about that. The end of the third age didn't happen last night you know. In the end of it all, I would have to say my own servant was my worst enemy. Grima Wormtongue really was a traitor. Stabbing me in front of the hobbits like that." Saruman replied.

"And if some of you have no idea of what he's talking about, go read 'Return of the King' by J.R.R. Tolkien. Not skipping parts because it is a good book and you people should read it. Well that's all for this show. I hope you enjoyed it and remember to come back next time when we have special guest "Swedish Chief!"

o.o.o.o.o.o.o.

A/N: Please review!


	12. A Christmas Special

Disclaimer: I own Darth Warious and the altered songs.

I do not own the Grinch (he belongs to Dr. Seuss)

I do not own any of the Dark Lords, Joker, Middle-earth, or Maximillion Pegasus

Dark Lords Episode 12 - A Christmas Special

o.o.o.o

"Hello everyone! We are here live in Gotham city for the first of three caroling stops of this special edition of Dark Lords. Yes I realize that Dark Lords do not necessarily like to be merry and of good cheer which is why I've taken the liberty of changing the words to some of the songs."

"Hello kiddies!" Joker says poking his head out of the warehouse door. "Warious what are you doing here?"

"Caroling" Maul groans before Darth Warious could answer.

"Oh, how um, nice…" Joker replies in his not-so-sure voice.

"Ready guys?"

There are collective groans from the Dark Lords except for Warious and Vader. (Mainly because Vader was upset at an upcoming song 'in his honor' that he was most unhappy about.)

"You're a mean one Mr. Grinch

You really are a heel.

You're as cuddly as a cactus,

And as charming as an eel,

Mr. Grinch!

You're a bad banana,

With a greasy black peel!

You're a monster, Mr. Grinch!

Your heart's an empty hole.

Your brain is full of spiders.

You've got garlic in your soul,

Mr. Grinch!

I wouldn't touch you

With a thirty-nine-and-a-half foot pole!

You're a vile one, Mr. Grinch!

You have termites in your smile.

You have all the tender sweetness

Of a seasick crocodile,

Mr. Grinch!

Given the choice between the two of you,

I'd take the seasick crocodile!

You're a foul one, Mr. Grinch!

You're a nasty, wasty skunk!

Your heart is full of unwashed socks.

Your soul is full of gunk,

Mr. Grinch!

The three words that best describe you

Are as follows, and I quote,

" Stink, stank, stunk!"

You nauseate me, Mr. Grinch!

With a nauseous super naus!

You're a crooked jerky jockey,

And you drive a crooked hoss,

Mr. Grinch!

You're a three-decker sauerkraut

and toadstool sandwich,

With arsenic sauce!"

Most of the Dark Lords were okay with this song and so preformed okay-ish.

"Well, that was nice, "Joker calls after the leaving Dark Lords. "Don't come back next year!"

"Okay Uncle J, we'll be there!" Darth Warious calls back over her shoulder. "Next stop Minas Tirith!"

o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.

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O.o.o.o.o.o.

"Thank you to Blossoming Orange Rose. We are here on the top level of Minas Tirith. The Citadel guards seem to be nervous despite my assurances that we are here to sing for them. Ah! Here comes Aragorn and Arwen. Everybody ready? Vader, come down to the front."

"Vader the Sith Lord, was a jolly happy soul,  
With a long black cape and a obsidian mask, and two eyes made of coal.  
Vader the Sith Lord, is a fairytale, they say.  
He was made of gears, but the children know he came to life one day.  
There must have been some magic in that old saber they found,  
For when they placed it in his hand, he began to dance around!  
Oh, Vader the Sith Lord, was a live as he could be;  
and the children say he could laugh and play,  
just the same as you and me.

Thumpety thump, thump, thumpety thump, thump,  
look at Vader go.  
Thumpety thump, thump, thumpety thump, thump,  
over the hills of snow."

Darth Vader was now feeling rather murderous and unhappy in that order. Darth Sidious and Maul were trying very hard to not laugh.

"Vader the Sith Lord, knew the Jedi was out that day,  
so he said,"

Reluctantly Darth Vader sang, "Let's run, and we'll have some fun now, before I go away."

"Down to the village, with a lightsaber in his hand,  
Running here and there, all around the square,  
sayin',

Vader heaved a sigh and sang, "Catch me if you can."  
He led them down the streets of town, right to the traffic cop;  
and only paused a moment, when he heard him holler, "Stop!"

(but that was more Aragorn covering his ears and saying 'stop' but we went on)  
For Vader the Sith Lord, had to hurry on his way,  
But he waved goodbye, sayin'

Darth Vader rolled his eyes and sang "Don't you die, I'll be back again some day."

Warious and the Dark Lords had to run after that because the guards had finally recovered from their shock and/or fits of laughter.

"Last stop is Duelist Kingdom to serenade Maximillion Pegasus!"

o.o.o.o.o.o.

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o.o.o.o.o.o.

"Once again thank you to Éowyn Skywalker for sending in commercials. We are here at Duelist Kingdom in front of Pegasus' castle. Here he come now."

"Greetings Darth Warious, I see you got my invitation."

"Hi Max. Thanks for inviting us. But before we come in there is a song for us to sing."

"Oh really?" Maximillion Pegasus said with a smile. "Then please go ahead and sing."

Because this was the one song every Dark Lord liked they were all on key.

"Slay sounds ring, can you hear them

In the lane, steel is glistening

A horrible sight, we're busy tonight

Walking in a Mordor wonderland

Gone away, are the Elven

Here to stay, is the White Hand

He makes an army, like Sauron decreed

Walking in a Mordor wonderland

In the meadow we can build Uruk-Hai

Then send them to over run the town

He'll say "have you killed yet?" we'll say "no sir"

But we can do the job while we're around

Later on, we'll conspire, as they burn, in the fire

To face unafraid, the traps that we've laid

Walking in a Mordor wonderland

In the meadow we can fight Gondor

And pretend that they're a Target board

We'll have lots of fun with mister Gondor

Until there is no more to knock around

When they come, ain't it thrilling

And their blood gets a chilling

We'll fight and we'll slay, the Uruk-Hai way

Walking in a Mordor wonderland

Walking in a Mordor wonderland

Walking in a Mordor wonderland"

Pegasus applauded. "Wonderful. Now come inside. I have food and a Funny Bunny movie set up for tonight." Then pointing at Voldemort, Pegasus asked, "Warious, how did you get a duel monster to come to life?"

Voldemort looked offended as the others snickered.

"That's Voldemort. Not a duel monster. Just ignore him. He's one of those nasty wizards. You said something about food?"

As the Dark Lords entered Pegasus' home Warious turned back to the camera. "Thank you for joining us for another episode of Dark Lords. Tune in next time and Merry Christmas!"

O.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.

A/n: Please review.


	13. Things they do in their spare time

Dark Lords Episode 13 - Things they do in their spare time.

o.o.o.o.o.

"Welcome back to another exciting episode of Dark Lords! I'm your host Master Warious. No special guest today, but this is a topic I believe will prove interesting. Things our Dark Lords do in their spare time!"

There is a collective groan from the Dark Lords as Warious continues. "Yes I thought as much. I know I haven't done Voldemort first yet so guess what Voldie!"

"What? And don't call me that." Voldemort mumbles into his hands.

"What do you do in your spare time? When all your Death Eaters have gone away and you're not plotting any thing or playing with that snake of yours, what do you do?"

"And I thought this was going to be a hard question, I sit on my throne. When I have large amounts of spare time, I'll just sit there and plot. That's where I get all my best plans from."

At this Darth Maul and Sidious start snickering.

Voldemort looks incredulous. "What is so funny about that?" He demands.

"Well," Maul began trying to keep a straight face, "In the galaxy and in this studio, 'throne' is slang for a toilet." At this Vader started laughing (because he is very slow). "You just admitted to spending large amounts of time on it and that you get all your best plans from there."

Voldemort looked confused still so his ever-present and ignored shadow Wormtail explained it. Voldemort knocked the unfortunate minion off the stage to waiting and violent Potter fans where they attacked the ill-fated Wormtail.

"Where did these Potter fans come from?!" Warious exclaimed furiously. "DIE FANS OF THE BRAT!"

There was a green and orange cloud of smoke at the edge of the stage. When the smoke cleared a second later Jandalf the Orange and Tiana Elass stood before the evil rabid fans and took out their lightsabers. The two Jedi charged and dispersed the evil horde from the studio in a manner not PG-13.

Warious sighed and relaxed. "The only good thing about Jedi is that they hate Harry Potter as much as any true Sith does."

Warious' previous master (Sidious) looked at her. "Is that why you assigned them to security?"

"Yes, I told you they would be needed. Much as I hate magic I would like to keep my co-hosts alive and safe from their anti-fans. Now then, moving on, Darth Vader."

"I stay in my enviro-chamber and take off this mask. It tends to itch after I've killed someone. I haven't figured out how to take care of that problem yet."

"That's er…interesting. Thank you for sharing. Now we have Sauron or Michael Jackson, it all depends on what you prefer to call him. What do you do in your spare time?"

"Fight lawsuits, avoid jail, fight off killer elves, sing, nothing much."

"Sauron?" Warious said.

"Yes?"

"You're spare time is not spare time. You do that full time."

To which Sauron smugly replied, "All my time is free time."

Master Warious rolled her eyes. "Whatever, sheesh, celebrities."

"When did you become a 'Master', Warious?" a voice from the crowd demanded.

"Who said that?" Warious demanded.

A man with white blonde hair and black robes stood up. "I did."

"Looks like a buddy of Voldemort's is here. Who is that?" Master Sidious asked with mild curiosity.

Master Warious glared at the man in the crowd. "That's Lucius Malfoy. Why in Kessel's name are you here?"

"To keep the Dark Lord safe. (Voldemort)"

"But we want to know how come you're a master too," said another person.

"Jedi Masters and Sith masters have their own trials to undergo to make that step from knight/lord to Master. I took the trials and passed. When I started I was but the learner now I am the Master. It's time for commercial."

o.o.o.o.o.o.

Tired of your minions failing you? Sick of that cursed 'hero' getting through your security? Then hire from Forces Elite!

o.o.o.o.o.o.

"We're back! Now that we've gotten everything settled down again we'll continue our discussion. Master Sidious, what do you do in your spare time?"

"I make sure my old apprentices are doing what they are supposed to."

"Gee dad," Maul says sarcastically, "We can stay out of trouble you know."

"I wouldn't be too sure about that," Sidious replied. "Master Warious here has been up to some things a Sith should be doing. I don't mean associating with Jedi either, she's been doing and associating with people she shouldn't be."

"You've been spying on me!" Warious exclaimed. "That's it! After the show you and I will engage in a battle of Force lighting! I win, you stop spying on Darth Maul and me. You win; you can continue your prying. Draw and you'll just stop spying on me."

"Very well but I won't lose, my old apprentice."

Warious sat back down seething, "We shall see Master Sidious, we shall see. Saruman, what do you do in your spare time?"

Saruman gave Warious a tortured look before saying, "I have no spare time."

"Then what would you do if you had spare time?" Maul spoke up.

"I would get some well deserved rest. Would you look at the bags under my eyes? They're huge. I need more sleep then I'm getting."

"Awww, poor baby." Warious said mockingly. "Not. I'll give you more time off then. Now last is Maul. What do you do in your spare time?"

"I try to avoid my 'master's prying eyes' and meditate. Not much else. What do you do Warious?"

"Read, sleep, and eat." Warious replied.

Master Sidious snorted in disbelief. "Among other things."

"We have that battle Master." Warious reminded him. "Thank you for watching Dark Lords! Join us next time when our Dark lords bring their favorite person to the show! Out back my old Master let's finish this."

o.o.o.o.o.o.

A/N: Review me please.

Read and Review Éowyn Skywalker's fiction and Jandalf the Orange, and Yoda Clones also other good fiction authors. Go read them please.

If you want to know how the duel turned out go to Middle-Earth Insanity.

Then go to the fiction thread enter the spoof/funny section and look for Dark Lords (scroll all the way down to find it.)


	14. Dark Lords Singing Contest

Disclaimer: I own nothing here but me and my studio.

o.o.o.o.o.

Dark Lords Episode 14 – Dark Lords Singing Contest.

"Welcome again to another riveting episode of Dark Lords! My apologies for taking so long. I've been under the control of a mind monster and unfortunately got trapped in my own head for a while. Fortunately for me Marik was able to use his Millennium Rod to help me escape.

This episode we have TWO guests. One is the infamous Admiral Thrawn for you Thrawn lovers. The other we'll reveal in a moment."

Admiral Thrawn waved to the group of his adoring fangirls giving them a 'winning' smile.

"Today we're going to have a singing contest between the Dark Lords. Thrawn was kind enough to participate. My two security Jedi, Tiana and Jandalf will keep all you fans at bay if anyone tries anything. All the other Dark Lords however seem a bit reluctant…except Michael JackSauron whom we all know is a 'singer'.

Are we ready to get started?"

The crowd (Thrawn fangirls mainly) cheered.

"Well then let's get this party started! Introducing Special guest and judge of this contest, lets give a big round of applause for the Angel of Music, ERIK!"

All collected Phangirls in the audience cheered loudly as Erik (A.K.A Phantom of the Opera/ Opera Ghost/Angel of Music) takes a seat behind the judges table with Master Warious.

"Why am I here again?" He asks Warious.

"To judge the singing contest between the Dark Lords. We already talked about this."

"What if none of them can sing?"

"Then you'll be giving a performance then won't you?" Warious replied with an evil grin on her face.

"Right…Who's starting? I want to get this done and over with."

Darth Maul slowly got up and approached the microphone facing the audience. And began in a very quiet voice…so I had to turn up the mic volume.

"Hook!" Warious said.

Yes?

"Quit talking!"

And Maul began.

"I'm a little teapot short and stout.

Here is my handle here is my spout.

When I get all steamed up then I shout

Tip me over and pour me out."

There was giggling from the crowd and from what suspiciously sounded like Vader.

Maul, if he could turn any redder, bowed and sat back down in his chair.

"That wasn't too bad I guess. We're dealing with amateurs here right?" Erik asked Warious.

"EXCUSE ME!" Sauron spoke up loudly. "I happen to be a professional singer!"

"Then you're next Prima Donna Sauron." Warious spoke up.

Michael JackSauron flounced up to the mic and began to sing.

Meanwhile, Warious and Erik started the following conversation…

"Warious, did you happen to install a trap door on the stage?"

"Yes, the lever for it is too your right."

"Where does it lead?"

"To a prison cell. Why?"

"Because." Erik pulled the lever and Sauron disappeared. "That was almost as bad as Carlotta!"

The people in the audience, who actually knew what Erik was talking about, laughed.

"Next up?" he continued when the laughter died down.

"Actually, Commercial time."

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o.o.o.o.o.o.

"And we're back! Yay…Next up will be…" Warious looked at her victims. "er…Master, would you like to go next?"

Sidious shrugged. "I might as well…"

So he got up and began to sing.

"Always see it on T.V. or read it in the magazines

Celebrities want sympathy

All they do is piss and moan inside the Rolling Stone

Talking about how hard life can be

I'd like to see them spend the week livin' life out on the street

I don't think they would survive

If they could spend a day or two walking in someone else's shoes

I think they'd stumble and they'd fall

They would fall

Lifestyles of the rich and the famous

They're always complaining, always complaining

If money is such a problem

Well they got mansions

Think we should rob them…"

Sidious stopped. "That's all I can remember…"

And he scurried back to his chair.

Warious blinked. "That didn't completely sound as bad as I thought…"

"But it was still bad." Erik said.

Warious rolled her eyes at him and said, "Next? How 'bout you Voldy oldie moldy?"

Voldemort glared at Warious and slithered up to the microphone. And began swaying back and forth hypnotically, as he sang, "Trust in me, just in me…"

Warious almost laughed at the fact that here was Voldemort, muggle hater, was singing a song from Disney's 'The Jungle Book'. Caa's song even. It almost made sense though, since Caa was a snake…Voldemort looked like a snake…

A flurry of movement caught Warious' eye.

She looked up in time to see three streaks of red, gold and brown, flying at Voldemort.

Unfortunately the two Jedi security guards didn't see them coming.

She leapt to her feet yelling a warning to the Dark Lord as she launched herself at the lead flying streak.

"DIE WIZARD!" She roared, as she tackled her prey.

The second blur was stopped by a Punjab lasso that dragged the blur to the ground.

Force lightning shot down the last one.

"Good work Erik," Warious said awed by his quick reflexes. "Thank you master," She acknowledged the third person who helped her.

She looked at the stunned figure at her feet. "Well, well, well, if it isn't Potty Wee Rotter. Did Dumbledore let you out of your cage again? There are severe consequences for flying into a studio with several Dark Lords in it. Erik, pull the lever if you please?"

Erik opened the trap door as Darth's Maul and Vader dragged the other two wizards over to the trap hole and dropped them in after Warious disposed of 'Potty Wee Rotter'.

Erik closed the trap door, and everyone sat down again.

"Go sit down now Voldemort, It's time for Saruman to sing."

Saruman got up out of his chair and began to break-dance to the mic. When he finally go there he began singing. "Oh where is my hair dye? Oh where is my hair dye?

Oh where, Oh where, Oh where, Oh where, Oh where, Oh where, Oh where, Oh where, Oh where, Oh where, Oh wherrrrrrrrrrre, is my hair dye?

And then skipping several verse parts he sang,

"Not fair, my poor hair dye, Not fair, my poor hair dye, Not fair, Not fair, Not fair, Not fair, Not fair, Not fair, Not fair, Not fair, Not faaaaaaaiiiiiiirrrrrrr…my poor hair dye."

He bowed and break-danced back to his chair.

Warious was still stifling her snickering when Erik finally spoke, "That was…original…I think. Not too bad though."

Warious glanced at the clock, "Time for another Commercial break. Don't go away people, we'll be right back!"

o.o.o.o.o.

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o.o.o.o.o.o.

"Thank you sis for the commercials. Btw I need new commercials please send in your adds with your reviews, or just email me. I like letters. Fan letters, review letters Commercial's-to-put-in-my-next-episode letters…err yeah. Anyway, it's time for Vader's solo! I shudder at the thought. Voice boxes…"

"Warious, be quiet and let this show FINISH!" Erik said irritated.

"Fine…Come on Vader."

Vader slowly walked up to the microphone and started singing.

"I feel pretty  
Oh so pretty  
I feel pretty and witty and gay  
And I pity  
Any girl who isn't me today  
I feel charming  
Oh so charming  
It's alarming how charming I feel  
And so pretty  
That I hardly can believe I'm real"

At this point several members of the audience utilized the courtesy barf bags given to them at the start of the show.

It wasn't that Vader sounded bad…Actually it was quite good for someone with a voice synthesizer, but the song he chose…well, lets just say it wasn't well received.

Vader managed to finish the song, bowed and stalked back to his chair.

Erik looked over at Warious and said, "The song needs work but…at least it's not Carlotta!"

Warious shuddered and nodded in agreement having been dragged by the Prima Donna herself to hear her in a private performance.

"Last, but not least, is Admiral Thrawn. Ladies and Chiss fans, give it up for the ADMIRAL!"

Thrawn's fans went wild as he walked up to the mic and the music started to play.

"I'm too sexy for my love too sexy for my love

Love's going to leave me

I'm too sexy for my shirt too sexy for my shirt

So sexy it hurts"

Thrawn starts to take off his shirt, and some of the Girls scream in happiness...I hope it was…

"Too sexy for your party

No way I'm disco dancing

I'm a model you know what I mean

And I do my little turn on the catwalk

Yeah on the catwalk on the catwalk yeah

I do my little turn on the catwalk

I'm too sexy for my car too sexy for my car

Too sexy by far."

As Thrawn captivated his fans Warious turned to Erik, "Think you can do better mon ami?"

"Make them scream or sing?" He replied with a dangerous gleam in his eye.

"If you think I want you to take off your mask in front of those girls, no. I meant can you awe them with your magnificent and powerful voice?"

"You doubt my talent mon sœur?

"Me? Never! I'm just trying to trick you into singing one of my favorite songs."

"And every other 'phan' girl in the audience I presume?"

Warious grinned and nodded. "Please? Pretty please? I will do all your bidding for a week if you do."

"Make it a month."

"Deal!"

"Just one question." Erik said glancing at Thrawn

"What?" Warious asked.

"We're you referring to Music of the 'Night or Past' the 'Point of no Return' and are you going to be up there for me to perform against/with?"

"ER…Only if you want me to…you know how I am on performing. I stink at it."

"Music of the Night then. You just have to let me pretend to romance you."

Warious made a face and glanced at the camera man (who was her new flame and very possessive boyfriend Captain Hook). "Nothing too steamy mon frère."

"But of course." But Warious could sense the sneakiness in his voice.

Admiral Thrawn finished his song and bowed while in his boxers, before he collected his clothes and sat down.

Warious stood up and announced. "And now Erik will tell us who the winner is."

Slowly standing up, Erik moved out from behind the judges table and looked at each of the Dark Lords. "With a few small exceptions," he nodded to the trap door, "not too bad for a bunch of amateurs. I think the best amateur 'singer' was Saruman."

There were boos from Thrawn's crowd.

"Special mention to The Blue man for energy in his performance," Erik added rolling his eyes. "And now, just because my sister asked me so nicely I will sing for you."

He grabbed Warious by the arm before she could escape and began to sing.

"Nighttime sharpens, heightens each sensation

Darkness stirs and wakes imagination

Silently the senses abandon their defenses"

Warious stared at Erik uncertainly.

"Slowly, gently, night unfurls its splendor

Grasp it, sense it, tremulous and tender

Turn your face away from the garish light of day

Turn your thoughts away from cold unfeeling light

And listen to the music of the night"

Erik swooped towards Warious dramatically.

"Close you eyes and surrender to your darkest dreams

Purge your thoughts of the life you new before!

Close your eyes, let your spirit start to soar

And you'll live as you've never lived before"

Erik circled Warious as a cat does to its prey.

"Softly, deftly, music shall surround you

Feel it, hear it closing in around you

Open up your mind, let your fantasies unwind

In this darkness which you know you cannot fight

The darkness of the music of the night

Let your mind start a journey through a strange, new world

Leave all thoughts of the world you knew before

Let your soul take you where you long to be

Only then can you belong to me"

Erik moved behind Warious and held her to him.

"Floating, falling, sweet intoxication

Touch me, trust me, savour each sensation

Let the dream begin, let your darker side give in

To the power of the music that I write

The power of the music of the night"

Warious pretended to faint in her 'brother's' arms.

"You alone can make my song take flight

Help me make the music of the night."

The song ended and the studio was hushed in awe. Warious stood up straight and moved away from Erik before the audience burst into applause.

"Those 'Phangirls' are really going to kill you now, mon sœur."

"Only because they love you, mon Frère." Warious whispered back to him.

"Thank you and we'll see you again on the next episode of Dark Lords!

o.o.o.o.o.

Warious: Review me please.


	15. Discuses Evil

Disclaimer: I own the studio and what the Dark Lords discuss.

I do not own the various Dark Lords on this show except myself.

Dark Lords Episode 15 – Discuses Evil.

By Master Darth Warious

o.o.o.o.o.o.o.

"Hello and Welcome to another wonderful episode of Dark Lords! Where all your favorite and well known Dark Lords come to play!" Warious announced.

"Or get publicly humiliated!" Maul called out.

Warious rolled her eyes and continued. "Today our Dark Lords will be discussing evil and it's various forms."

"In essence describing ourselves right?" Michael JackSauron asked hopefully.

"Um…Let me think about that. No!" Warious glared at the vainest of them all. "I want each of you Dark Lords to define Evil, come up with synonyms, whatever. I just want you boys to do it. And we'll start with Darth Maul I think."

Maul rolled his eyes and mumbled fine before beginning his thoughts on evil. "The Jedi are evil. All the Jedi do is hunt us Sith, and do they question why? No. What the Jedi do is just allow the next generation to continue their extermination uninhibited without asking the question of 'Why do we kill the Sith?'" Maul was beginning to rant louder now. "If they do ask the answer is 'Because the Sith are our enemies.' Do they even KNOW why we are enemies? No! They are nothing but mindless Jedi drones! That is what evil is!"

"Er…Thank you Maul for your loverly input on Evil. That was a…ah…unique point of view." Warious said inching away from her Sith brother. "Next we have Sauron."

"You mean you are actually going to let me speak?" Michael JackSauron asked.

Warious glared. "Only if you do it now!"

Sauron grinned and opened his mouth. "I would like to say a few words about all this same old same old Evil term. Evil energy, Evil power, Evil armies, you get the idea. These terms come out of a primitive era. Today we have all theses wonderful adjectives most of us take for granted. Like Dark. Sinister. Vile. Creepy. Foul. Maligned. Atrocious. Nefarious. Flagitious. Insidious. Repugnant. Malevolent. Loathsome. Unpropitious."

"CUT IT OUT ALREADY!" Maul and Voldemort roared.

"You forgot Doom on your list." Warious added helpfully.

"Ah yes, Doomed. Undead."

"NO MORE!" Maul and Voldemort yelled again.

Warious rolled her eyes. "Fine! Be that way! Gosh!"

"I thought you only watched that movie once?" Maul asked glaring at Warious Napoleon Dynamite vocal inflections.

"I didn't watch it again! It's just catchy. Anyway, it's time for a commercial!"

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o.o.o.o.o.

And we're back! Thank you to Jim Henson Studios for creating a wonderful movie called "Labyrinth". Welcome to Dark Lords! Today we are discussing Evil! Dearest Master Sidious, it is your turn to wax philosophical on Evil."

"Evil is what one makes it. Evil to one person can be good to another. The Jedi, as Maul pointed out, think the Sith are Evil. We Sith could say that Jedi are evil, as Maul also said. But Evil is merely one's point of view if we look at it this way. Can Evil be truly defined? I don't think so."

"Er…Thank you for taking me literally master. Moving on to…Voldie Oldie Moldy! Tell us what you have to say about Evil!"

"Evil is as evil does. I am Evil. J.K Rowling is evil. Fanfiction authors are evil. Fan girls are evil. Me and Hermione fanfiction writes are evil. Me and Original female characters in fanfiction are evil. Me and a Death Eater romantically inclined in a fanfiction is evil. ALL OF FANDOM WRITTEN BY YOU FEMALES ARE EVIL!"

"Excuse my being a write Voldemort!" Warious growled.

"You're not writing about me outside of this show. You're only half as evil.

Warious rolls her eyes at Voldemort. "Gee thanks."

"You better be grateful! I'm paying you a higher compliment then I would other female fanfiction writers!"

"I'm touched." Warious drawled sarcastically. "Well our argument has taken up enough time. We'll be back right after this!"

O.o.o.o.o.

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Are you insufferably evil and looking for a few good minions? Send us your recruitment add!

Are you an online author? We'll advertise for your story so long as it is PG-13 or under!

Are you just looking for an idea to fill up your time? Make a completely random add!

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Send us you add today!

o.o.o.o.o.o.

"And we're back! Thank you for joining us on Dark Lords! Today we are discussing Evil! Our last two Dark Lords are about to give their thoughts! Vadie, give us you thoughts on Evil!"

"…"

"Vader?"

"I am thinking!" Vader roared back at Warious.

"Oookay! Excuse me! We'll just go to Saruman instead! Saruman?"

"Well Warious, I think Evil is in all of us. There is no fighting it. You cannot contend with the will of Evil!"

"Whoa! Wait! That's exactly what you told Gandalf about MY will! Are you saying I'm evil?" Sauron spoke, interrupting Saruman.

"In short or long?"

"I…well…um…" Sauron stuttered.

"May I continue?" Saruman asked mildly.

Sauron nodded and Saruman spoke again. "As I was saying, Evil has a will of it's own. You can not contend with a will stronger then yours. Those so-called 'hero' types are foolish enough to think that they can. Therefore the struggle of good against Evil is hopeless. I am now finished."

Warious nodded, slightly disturbed. "Thank you Saruman. Now lets see if Vader has come up with something intelligent to say. Vader?"

"Saruman is wrong."

"Excuse me Ex-Jedi? You lost the fight in the end didn't you? You turned to the Darkside in the end. Evil reigns supreme." Saruman shot back.

Vader held up a gloved hand. "The Darkside is not Evil. The Darkside in only a tool. And in the very end Good does win and I recant my ways."

"Did you tell that to all those younglings you killed Vader? Did you tell that to all the other Jedi who died because of you?" Saruman retorted.

"I can't expect those who have died to forgive me. They are no longer with us. But I can asked the future generation. My daughter Leia and her Husband Han Solo forgave me even thought it did take a longer while for Solo to come around. Luke was first to forgive me. The future generation of Jedi forgave me of my crimes. I admit that does not absolve me of all my wrongs, but good conquers Evil with forgiveness. So in the end, Evil does loose." Vader calmly explained with a touch of sadness to his mechanical voice.

"I say you are wrong. Because Evil always comes back! It never stops coming! You cannot fight such a relentless enemy!" Saruman said waving his arms around wildly.

"And that, dear deluded one, is where you are wrong." Warious spoke up holding a hand up in Vader's direction to keep him from speaking.

"And how can you speak so? You! A Master of the Sith!"

"I can speak so because as Master of the Sith, I know and understand Evil far more than a mere wizard ever could. Vader has gained a rare insight I think, into this aspect of Sithhood. Normally It takes many years for a normal Sith like Vader to reach that kind of conclusion. I must say I am impressed.

I would like to make a slight addition to Vader's insight however and say this about the Darkside we Sith use. The Darkside is indeed only a tool. A tool like any other can be used for Evil. Evil requires intent. Only if you intend for Evil to keep coming after you and beat you, it will reign over you. Evil from within can be easily defeated, if one chooses to fight it. Evil that comes from outside you, like an enemy trying to kill you, while appearing to never cease in it's attack, will stop one day. It can be fought. It can be stopped."

All was silent on the Dark Lords set for several minutes.

"We'll see you again next time on Dark Lords. Goodbye."

o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.

A/N: Review me.


End file.
